Buy a Fourwheeler, Get a Free Shotgun
This advert appeared in my local newspaper during the ever-so-popular-with-the-ladies hunting season. As you can read from the enticing offer, if you buy a fourwheeler at this fine establishment before November 1st, you get a shotgun thrown in for free! For those of you who didn't grow up in a county full of trailerparks and cars on blocks, a four-wheeler is one of those dangerous beasts Paw gives Junior for his 10th birthday when he can't afford to buy a motorcycle. Besides violating every moral code about waiting periods in the books, I also get the mental image of the kids that rode my bus (see below) hootin' and hollerin' as they ride their four-wheelers up the back mountains shootin' indescriminately at dem critters. Really, this is like Deliverance on wheels. But I suppose if you can afford to "Ride the best", you can afford to be above pesky moral limitations and "shoot the best" at a great bargain.

Real Life Love Ewe
Now I really am replused and disgusted at this one (and that takes alot). People, this is what the LoveEwe is for! As the makers of LoveEwe say "Let those sheep get some sleep"! Thanks, Biffer!

Beanie the Walking Lima Bean
Beanie, the lovable (yet scary for small children and senior citizens) walking lima bean is the mascot for the city of Lima, Ohio. His job is to ...umm... walk around the streets of Lima, and ...umm.. promote relations between mankind and lima beans? Really, is this kind of waste necessary? If only Grace the Grandma (see below) lived in Lima...

Pvt. Carlton Burgan
Burgan, a Union foot soldier, caught pneumonia during the Civil War at age 18. His well-intentioned doctor, who knew nothing about germs or antibiotics, treated him with "calomel", a mercury-based option intended to make him salivate and, thus flush his body of "bad humors". Let's just say it didn't work.

Edgar the Fruitcake
The Harrisburg East Mall in Harrisburg, PA has a new addition to their normal mall staff-- a friggn' huge, walking fruitcake! And his name is Edgar. He appears in tv ads, and in person all over the city promoting the mall and the general Christmas spirit. The most surprising fact, though, is that the ad agency who came up with the idea of a walking fruitcake actually won a national advertising award for it... And what does Edgar have to say about his new found fame, you may ask? Well, he says, "You know, this mall and I are a lot alike. We're both kind of hard and dry on the outside, but you'll never know exactly what you're going to find inside." (And that's a direct quote, btw) The spokescake has also received quite a few requests from customers who were interested in some of the props and sets of the Edgar ads, no doubt to fulfill some perverted fruitcake fantasy of their own. But to the devastation of all of us fruitcake fans, the mall's marketing manager admits that Edgar will go into retirement come January, and die a slow and painful death, in the back of grandma's refrigerator.

Grace Brenize
This 79 year old Grandma of Linglestown, PA has been hunting for almost 60 years. The family (who can hardly form syllables) admits that she's even a better shot than they are. In all her years of deer huntin', she estimates that she "has bagged 40 deer." This year, on the first day of buck season, she "bagged" a 9-pointer from about 75 yards out. "Got him in the meaty part of the shoulder." Editor's note: perhaps the funniest part of this entire story is that it appeared in color on the front page of our newspaper. Almost full page.

The Freaks at the Front of My Bus
Ok, I scanned these from last year's yearbook. I really need live photos to create the entire effect. Ok, chick on the left, we call Turtle. Godamn ugly. She laughs like Popeye ("Ah, gah, gah, gah!"), and she has a huge lisp. Not to mention that she tries to bully the rest of the freaks. I crown her Queen of the Freaks.
Guy in the middle, John. When he was in 7th grade, he used to lick the windows. For no reason. And laugh. Once again, for no reason. But the oddest thing is his friendship with the guy on the right, named Cliffie. Yes, that's his real name. They sit together in the same seat everyday, regardless of whether the bus is completely empty or not. And they sit on top of each other. Literally. One time we found John drawing pictures on Cliffie's back with his finger, and Cliffie, with an ecstatic expression on his face, was trying to guess the unknown letter. We watched in openmouthed horror. Then, there was the Oreo cookie episode. They were feeding each other Oreo cookies, without fully eating the first before trying to consume the next. And I still see John in my mind's eye, with his mouth open in a cackle, with bits of black cookie all over his teeth. These kids are fucking psycho. But there are literally hundreds of these episodes. Some friends and I would update others every day with a new installment of "The Saga of Cliffie and John" last year. These are not isolated incidences, but colorful examples. Send contributions to my psychiatric fund, please.

An Ad for Reznor Shoes
This award goes to the Fila shoe company, for playing to the ignorant populous of pre-pubescent skater teens, in the hopes that they'd buy their shoes if they were named "Reznor." Of course, the True NIN fans would never stop to such undue commercialism, so the company is obviously catering to the poser set. Thus, us fans who resent this action by the Fila shoe company should memorize the look of these shoes and promptly burn any we see, in an act of sacrifice, whether they are worn at the time or not.

The Love Ewe
The original inflatable sheep. Anatomically correct. It measures a full four feet long and features a romantic expression as well as fishnet stockings. The Love Ewe is a perfect gift for that hard-to-please boss or business client, because it truly sends the holiday message: "Baaaaa." The Love Ewe makes a great companion for those cold, lonely nights by the fireplace, which your Love Ewe is sure to enjoy as it's melting into oblivion. But also keep in mind that it can also serve as a temporary receptionist or Department of Motor Vehicles clerk. Actually, we're not saying it's stupid by its being here. We are huge fans of the Love-Ewe, and felt it deserved a place of honor. It's people like us who buy it who belong here.

The Harrisburg Senators' Mascot
As the mascot for Harrisburg, Pennsylvania's baseball farm team, the Harrisburg Senators, the 'Senator' is allowed to promote fan participation. But in this case, I think he's taking his role of a politician just a litle *too* far.... This appeared (once again) on the front page of the Harrisburg Patriot, with the caption that he was giving a young fan a "playful headrub". Although it could be disputed as to who's getting the headrub... The look of pure gruntage on his face just adds to the confusion, eh? I know I nearly pissed my pants when I saw this, and it remain still one of my favorite LOS members.... =)

The Bunny Massacre '98
Some anonymous worker at The Tinder Box flower shop in State College, PA, either had a very rough Easter experience as a child, or entirely too many requests for those Pricess Diana beanybabies. Because this store display of hundreds of lavender beanybaby bunnies being visciously strangled to a slow, agonizing (yet curiously laughable) death suddenly reared its ugly head around easter, just in time for hordes of slack-jawed, pre-teen moms to gawk in dismay at the fact that the Easter Bunny is no longer with us. Hear that? The Easter Bunny is dead! All 5000 replicates he spawned in those hedonistic nights of pleasure with the neighborhood bunny-ettes, DEAD! The bunny orgy is over! In fact, now that I think about it, I applaud that employee for taking it upon his- or herself to rid the world of the premiere Mac-daddy bunny once and for all. Too bad he or she didn't finish off his human counterparts as well.